Thursday, April 21, 2011

Get your boobs out of your pockets, etc...

The female form is amazing. As straight as I am, I truly, madly, and deeply appreciate the beauty of a woman. Please appreciate yourselves, too. There are few, if any, fashion, hygiene, or maintenance issues we cannot fix, or have fixed.
So here I am on my soap box bitching about all the things I can't stand.
1. Get your boobs out of your pockets. One of our "largest" female assets are our breasts. And if propping them up appears to tighten my waist and add sexy to my curves, I'm all in! Because when you let your boobs hang in the wrong, loose, bras it does you no favors. It ruins your posture and sickens your appearance. Or, sickens me when I see you appear. Sorry.
If you are part of the more than 80% of women that are wearing the wrong bra size, you obviously aren't alone. But, there's help. Most lingerie stores offer complimentary bra fittings. Take advantage of this. Everyone, take advantage of this. Life changes your boobs. Whether it's weight loss, weight gain, pregnancy, hormones, or time your boobs WILL change. Commit to a yearly bra fitting. It's free!
2. Facial hair bothers me too. I've seen women that maintain a well manicured mustache, and maybe they think I should cut them a break. Nope! My blog. My opinion. Unless you are making good money in a travelling circus it's totally unnecessary and masculine, in my opinion. Spas and most nail salons offer facial waxing for less than $20 per area. There are creams and at home kits too. There are threading kiosks in malls. You even have the option of braving it through electrolysis, the practice of electrical epliation to permanently remove hair. You have options, other than to be satisfied going through life with a handle bar mustache, goatee, full beard, and/or caterpillars for eyebrows.
Facial hair is not the end of the world. Every woman has a little lip fuzz, a few crazy chin hairs, or insane eyebrows. We all have to manage this. Manage it!
3. Hygiene. Practice good hygiene especially in the key area. Again there are products marketed specifically for the cleansing, freshening, and/or managing of the female hot zone. This is so important. You can be the prettiest and best dressed, driving the perfect car to the most fabulous house, but none of that matter is your body isn't well taken care of. Most people will never tell you this, but they will tell others about you.
If you have tried and failed at this, there's probably a bigger problem at hand. You should make an appointment with your doctor, immediately.

Does your outfit make sense?

Recently, I was at a casual function when I was approached by a young lady in a striped navy and white cotton tank, gray faded skinny jeans, and suede taupe round toe wedges. Huh? I get the tank and jeans, it's casual, but suede wedges? You make no sense. And, you topped it off with plastic faux pearl kiddie jewels in yellow and on stretch cord. I can't handle it. It makes me want to push you down and roll you under a table. Not to hurt you, but to get rid of you and your ensemble.
I understand quirky. I love quirky, oddity, and individualism to a point. But, it's a clearly defined point that is summed up by saying no ridiculousness...please.
I got this book called What to Wear When by Hillary Kerr and Katherine Power. It was a gift with a purchase from their shoe line on The beautiful Ms. Parker. And, it took my current fashion faux pas annoyance up another 10K levels. This book exists because it's frighteningly relevant. Because, for whatever reason people have a difficult time piecing together a sensible outfit. It's time to fix that once and for all!
Ask yourself some key questions as you make wardrobe decisions. This will help you make appropriate choices.
1. Where are you going?
2. Is this an indoor or outdoor function?
3. Is there a stated or implied dress code?
4. What time of year is it?
5. What's the weather like?
6. What are your responsibilities?
7. Who's going to be there?
8. Do these pieces make a sensible outfit?
I run these questions through my head at every wardrobe change, with the weather channel blaring in the background.
Fashion is not easy. It is intentional. Proceed with caution.